You’ve just landed a new project that, while generally within your expertise, requires a set of unfamiliar skills that you’ve never had to use before. As you scramble to research and plan, you start feeling overwhelmed and anxious about meeting the deadline. Suddenly, you’re caught in the classic dilemmShould you push through alone or swallow your pride and ask for help?
Navigating this situation becomes even trickier when the person whose help you need holds authority over you, such as your boss. In my new book, “Managing Up: How to Get What You Need From the People in Charge,” I delve into the delicate balancing act of seeking help without appearing incompetent. Many professionals default to struggling alone, thinking, “I should be able to handle this myself.” This hesitation often stems from the fear of appearing inept, which ironically can result in missed deadlines or substandard work that damages your reputation more than asking for help ever could.
While most of us know intellectually that seeking help is more productive than working solo, the internal resistance can be powerful. Even seasoned professionals hesitate, worrying that they’ll seem burdensome or less competent in the eyes of their colleagues. They constantly battle with that nagging voice asking, “What will they think of me?” The modern workplace places high value on independence and initiative, complicating the issue further. How you ask for support significantly impacts how your colleagues perceive you. Ask too often or without clarity, and you risk having your abilities questioned. Yet, here’s the twist: Thoughtful requests for help can actually make you appear more competent, as they demonstrate self-awareness and respect for others’ expertise.
According to research, making thoughtful and specific requests for help actually improves others’ perception of your competence. This is because it shows that you understand your limitations and value your colleagues’ expertise. When you approach others with confidence, they are more likely to see you as capable and practical, someone who knows how to tackle complex challenges effectively.
Start with a Strong Opening
Your opening sets the stage for the entire conversation. Ditch self-defeating phrases that diminish your request before you even make it. Starting with expressions like “I hate to bother you…” or “I’m so sorry to take your time…” or “You’re probably too busy…” can undermine the effectiveness of your request. These phrases project a lack of confidence and make it easy for others to dismiss your needs.
Instead, opt for clarity and intention from the get-go. Begin with straightforward statements that highlight what you need and why it matters:
“I’d like your perspective on an operations challenge I’m working through.” “I’m refining our client onboarding process and would value your input.” “I’m evaluating next steps for the Acme account and would appreciate your strategic insight.”
These openings set a positive tone for the conversation and indicate that you value the other person’s time and expertise. They convey confidence and intention, immediately making your request more compelling.
Emphasize Their Expertise, Not Your Weaknesses
When asking for help, it’s tempting to downplay your abilities in an effort to appear humble. You might catch yourself saying things like, “I’m so bad at this — it’s way over my head!” or “I feel silly asking, but you always know the answer.” While well-intentioned, such self-deprecating comments can damage your credibility and create awkwardness. They can make the other person feel uncomfortable, as they might not know how to respond appropriately.
Instead, focus on the strengths and expertise of the person you’re asking for help. Frame your request to highlight how their skills align with your needs:
“Your background in this area is exactly what this project needs.” “I know you’ve handled similar requests before, so you’re the perfect person to consult.” “I’ve noticed your strong technical expertise. Would you mind if I asked you a few questions?”
These statements emphasize the value you see in their expertise, which makes it more likely that they will be willing to help. Recognizing their strengths and positioning them as the ideal person to consult also fosters a sense of mutual respect.
Be Clear and Specific
When you make a vague or meandering request, you’re essentially asking your colleague to do double duty: They have to first decode what you actually need and then come up with a solution. This can be both time-consuming and frustrating. Arriving with a clear, specific ask demonstrates that you’ve done the preliminary thinking and makes it much easier for the other person to provide meaningful assistance.
Instead of saying, “I’m struggling with this presentation. Can you help?” try something more precise like, “I’ve prepared the board presentation content, but I’d like your input on the sequencing of slides five through ten. Could you review the flow for maximum impact?” This level of clarity shows that you respect their time and are focused on getting the help that will be most beneficial.
Specificity not only streamlines the process but also gives your colleague a clear framework within which to provide help, making their job easier and the assistance you receive more effective.
Show Your Preparation
Before reaching out, make sure you’ve done your homework. This means consulting existing resources, reviewing documentation, browsing industry forums, and brainstorming potential approaches—even unconventional ones. Doing so ensures that you’re not asking someone to do something you could easily do yourself, and it demonstrates initiative.
When you share your preliminary work, you give others a solid foundation for providing feedback and prevent wasted time on already-explored paths. This not only shows that you are methodical in your approach, but it also makes the person you’re asking for help more inclined to offer that help, knowing their time won’t be wasted.
Here’s how to frame your request:
“I’ve mapped out three timeline scenarios based on our current resources, each with trade-offs. Could we discuss which you think is most feasible?” “For our digital strategy optimization, I’ve analyzed competitor approaches and identified potential improvements. I’d value your perspective before implementing changes.” “While investigating customer churn, I’ve spotted patterns in our survey data, but I’m unsure about solutions. Could we review this together tomorrow?”
Ask for Their Insight
Landing a new project that aligns with your expertise but requires unfamiliar skills can be daunting. As you dive into research and planning, anxiety about meeting the deadline ramps up. You’re faced with a classic dilemmShould you push through alone or ask for help?
This situation becomes even more complex when the help you need comes from someone in authority, like your boss. In my book, “Managing Up: How to Get What You Need From the People in Charge,” I explore the delicate balance of seeking help without appearing incompetent. Many professionals, fearing they’ll seem inept, prefer to struggle on their own, thinking they should manage independently. Ironically, this mindset can result in missed deadlines or subpar work, harming their reputation more than asking for help would.
Even seasoned professionals wrestle with the internal conflict of asking for assistance, fearing they’ll appear burdensome or less competent. The modern workplace values independence and initiative, adding another layer of complexity. How you ask for help significantly affects colleagues’ perceptions of you. Overasking or vague requests might lead to doubts about your abilities. Yet, making thoughtful, specific requests demonstrates self-awareness and respect for others’ expertise, which can actually enhance your perceived competence.
Research shows that making thoughtful, specific requests for help improves others’ perception of your competence. Such requests signal that you understand your limitations and appreciate your colleagues’ skills. When you approach others confidently, they are more likely to see you as capable and adept at navigating complex challenges.